Forty Days to Fifty

40 days to 50. Today marks 40 days until my 50th birthday. I spent too much of my 30th birthday and my 40th birthday in tears. I'm determined to spend my 50th birthday in celebration rather than despair.

As a newly minted graduate of Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training I know that the best way to accomplish this for me is to commit to 40 days of a daily practice of yoga and meditation to help me come to terms with my life just as it is. Not as I'd like it to be. Not as I hoped it would be.  Not as I secretly wish it would be. Just as it really is. Today. Now. In the present moment.

My friends and family used to call me "The If Only Girl" when I was younger. I really believed that everyone had power but me. "If only my car didn't need to be repaired again." "If only I could lose this last 10 pounds." "If only that boy in Statistics would ask me to dinner." So many things seemed out of my control. As I approach one of the biggest milestones in any woman's life I am determined to take my power back. Not just in the things I'm good at manifesting- my career, my relationships with family and friends, but in everything. The scary I'm-not-good-enough I'm-not-strong-enough I'm-not-smart-enough things too. Everything. I want I need I will take all my power back.

To accomplish this overwhelming goal I've designed a daily practice of yoga, meditation, and writing. My goal is to leap out of bed on my 50th birthday with joy. I will not pull the covers over my head and cry. I will not hide from everyone I know and pretend that this birthday isn't important or scary or monumental for me. I will not lie about my age. Ever again. It is time to embrace the next decade of my life rather than shrink from it.

This is day 1. 39 days to go.

Graduation, Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training

Today I graduated from Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training. I've been in training for nine months. I came into this program surly and trepidatious, but I leave confident and calm. We were each given 2 precious minutes to address the crowd today, this was my speech. Six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother, in her great wisdom, convinced me to attend a support group meeting. I was sure the support group would be a waste of time. I didn't need to talk to anybody about this, I just do everything myself.

At my first meeting I actually said the following: "OK, I GET it. Something in my life is not working. This is a wake-up call. Just tell me- How long is this *expletive* *expletive* spiritual transformation going to take?"

I was dead serious. I have a college degree in Mathematics. Everything can be reduced to a formula or an equation. There is a numerical answer for any situation. The women in the group all looked at the floor, they didn't know what to say, but the group leader calmly informed me that there is no timeline, but that it would happen in it's own time.

That process did change me- at least as much as I was willing to be changed. And it did take it's own time. However, It's in doing this teacher training that I realize that spiritual transformation is not a destination (unfortunately). It's a journey. Day by day, kriya by kriya, meditation by meditation. And it takes forever (again, unfortunately). But, as our master teacher Guru Singh always says, "That's OK. We have forever."

I'm so grateful to have gone on this journey with this extraordinary group of people, at the studio where Yogi Bhajan taught, under the guidance of these amazing master teachers.

Kundalini Yoga has changed my life in ways I never could have imagined when I walked in this studio. I can't wait to see the amazing things that each of us will accomplish when we go out in the world to share these teachings.

Sat Nam.